I’m having one of those days, nay, weeks, where I just want to be left alone.
I am done with crying, whining, fighting children. Done with being spoken to every minute of the day. Done with the incessant “Mooom! Can you….” fill in the blank, get me something to eat, get me a snack, tell Kaia to stop, tell Avery to stop, help me with my homework. I do not feel, that at the age of ten, I need to assist in approving every item of clothing Kaia will wear today.
Case in point, I go outside to fix my trellis, which the wind tried to carry off to Oz the other night. It’s currently rigged to the very heavy chairs on the deck with wire. I swear to all that is holy I was outside for TEN MINUTES and the door opened and closed every single minute of those ten. To approve a sweatshirt, to approve a pair of pants, to answer a question on the location of a hair brush I do not use. You get the idea. It is 8:30 in the ever loving morning! Leave me alone!
I hoped I was just tired. I went to bed at 8pm last night and studiously ignored all efforts in changing my mind about my early bedtime. I handed over my own kindle and told the kids to watch a movie, snuggled down in the flannel sheets and listened to the roar of the furnace (yes, I turned on the furnace, don’t judge me). On a side note, I have become accustomed to how loud the furnace is in this house, it’s a sound I actually miss during the warmer months. I like how it starts with a clang and a bang, how it has a low, purring growl that finally breaks forth in a flurry of hot wind and loud something, whatever it is that makes a furnace push delightfully hot air into a room that is damp and cold.
Either I am still tired or just don’t like my family anymore. Ave is up and already whining, though I did tell a small lie, one of those self preservation lies, when I woke up at 7 and she did too. I told her I was just going to the bathroom and to go back to sleep. She didn’t believe me. She says, in various tones of ingratiating whine, I want to play with myself with no one watching me! Well, putting aside the finer meanings of such a phrase, I gather that she wants everyone to vacate the living room so she can be in there and brush her doll’s hair alone. She doesn’t seem to feel that this is unreasonable.
Maybe she and I have something in common today. I also would like everyone to vacate the living room, not so I can can play with myself (ha!), but I would like to read more than four words at a time in my book and drink my coffee without being interrupted. Possibly it is also unreasonable of me to wish myself alone in the still (well they were still, for like two minutes) hours of the morning.
I know I should embrace these early mornings where I have my little family gathered in my little house, and the sun rising over the water which is covered in swirling mist, and the birds just waking. I know I should be the mom that says, hey! since we’re all up let’s make pancakes from scratch, and tap some maple syrup from a tree! and butcher a pig for some bacon! Hell! We could make our own plates out of clay and fire them in the oven! I know that there are folks who remember where I am, and folks who want to be here too. I know it. And I’m sorry if I seem ungrateful.
Sometimes though, here’s the really honest and icky part that no one ever tells you about, I will though; sometimes, I feel like I give all I have to everyone else, and there isn’t anything left for me. Isn’t anything left OF me, you know, me, and what I want to do or hear or speak. Which is sort of my fault I guess. I don’t know.
So now I come to the end of the whiniest, selfish-est post ever. You don’t need to have sympathy for me, or feel bad or feel like I’m a jerk (well you can but if you say it to my face I’m in one of those moods where.. never mind). I will re-enter the living room, against the will of Avery who prefers to have the most public room in the house to herself. I will chastise Kaia for eating chips (yes, she is eating Doritos, unapologetically). I will sit in my chair and try to read my book and ignore everyone around me. Sometimes even I need a break, need to be left to my own devices, my own yearnings.
Maybe I’ll just go back to bed and pour all the Doritos in a bowl and see how the day progresses. There is always room for improvement, you know, later today.