I know I am leaving today, and you know it too. Our last few days have been randomly sprinkled with moments of fierce tenderness and tears. I will come back to you in just 10 days, but I know 10 days is a long time when you are a little girl and your mama has never been away that long. Sometimes ten days is a long time when you are a big girl too.
I wanted to make sure that you knew some things. I am not going to escape from you or to take a break from you. I am not going because I am a selfish person. I am going because I want to be all of the things that you are.
I tell you every day: you are brave. you are kind. you are smart. you are beautiful. This is our litany, our drop off lane prayer. You already are all of these things, you don’t really have to work at them, you were born this way. I probably was too, but as you get older you’ll find that your beautiful, brave bits get sort of gunked up and rusted out. You have to work harder to be brave and kind.
You are scared of a whole myriad of things right now, snakes, spiders, the occasional bee. But what you don’t know is that the world is so big, so violent, so breathtaking, that the things there are to be scared of only stack up higher and higher with your years. I am scared of things too, but not all the same things that you are scared of, because I have more years and more practice. We are all scared of snakes, though, daddy too. 🙂
Things like this trip, they scare me. Being around all the people in crowded places, going to places where I don’t know where things like the bathroom are, flying over the big deep ocean in the night. These are things that scare me.
So I am going on this trip to be like you, to show you that even when you grow up, you can still choose to be brave. The things that are the hardest are usually the best ones to do, when you have a choice between easy and hard, well, look closely, because usually the easy thing isn’t the brave thing. It would be easy for me, but I can’t live the whole rest of my life in our Disney-esque village, made up of less than three thousand people. I can’t let your tears keep me with you for all time. I will show you that I am brave, I will travel out into the big wide world, I will kiss your tears away.
And we will be fine. And my gunked up and rusty brave machinery will come home shiny and new, so that I can be just like you: brave. kind. smart. beautiful.
Be good to daddy, be good to each other. Mama loves you so so much. Thank you for modeling for me the way that I want to be, for making me better.
See you soon.